Daily Encouragement: 'Revising The Talk'

Last year, I led a group of mothers through a study by Vicki Courtney called "5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter." Primarily, I led the group because I wanted to go through it myself (for my 2 daughters) and also get the added support and encouragement a group of women can give each other when going through a study together.

Vicki touches on several subjects like growing up, beauty and self-image, waiting for sex, marriage and motherhood and living a virtuous life, but today I am going to include an excerpt from the section called "Revising 'The Talk'" directed toward mothers who have found that their daughters have been having sex outside of marriage. This may not pertain directly to you, but consider what you would say to a dear friend who is dealing with this issue or a young woman who has confided in you that she has been intimate with her boyfriend.

"What would you do if faced with the decision as to whether to allow your sexually active teenager birth control (or how would you counsel a Christian mother who is facing the scenario)?

'Run away from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Or don't you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.'
(1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

How does your position line up with 1 Corinthians 6:18-20?

If it doesn't line up, does this change your position? If so, how?

The truth is that Paul's advice to the first-century Christians is just as applicable today as it was then. We can't make allowances for sin--especially in an area so important to our girls' health and futures. Doing so is never in the best interest of our daughters.

The evidence presented regarding the fallout from sex outside of marriage is reason enough to remind those who have already had sex of the benefits of secondary virginity. (Remember, statistics show that nearly two-thirds of girls regret their decision to have sex and wish they had waited.) In this situation, I would highly recommend that a mother faced with this situation meet with her daughter on a weekly basis to discuss much of what we have learned thus far. In addition, she should draw boundaries and supervise her daughter as well as be very picky about whom she dates in the future (if she's allowed to date).

On the other hand, if after discussing the matter with her daughter, a mom discovers that she is unrepentant and unwilling to change her behavior, it is most likely because (A) she doesn't want to risk losing her boyfriend or (B) she has wandered from the path of God and is callous to His truth regarding sex outside of marriage.

Regardless, this mother must open the lines of communication in an effort to begin conversations about the information we have discussed. I would advise her to begin praying for the right time and setting to approach her daughter. I would remind her that God can do a mighty work in her daughter's heart. Prayer is a woman's most powerful tool; while a mother may not be able to sway her daughter's heart, God can.

If I faced this situation with my own daughter and it was clear that she was not broken over her sin and was unwilling to repent, I would continue to focus on God's standard and not deviate one iota. God's Word reminds us of the standard: 'Be holy, because I am holy' (1 Peter 1:16). I would certainly not sit her down and go over a list of birth-control options because to do so, in a sense, says, 'Hey, God's Word says to 'be holy,' but since you insist on being 'less than holy,' might I suggest a Plan B to help you cut your losses?' I could not say or do something that in good conscience would further encourage her to sin.

I realize that many Christians disagree with my position, but what's important is that we each go before the Lord and seek His guidance in the matter. If I have been faithful to educate my daughter about the fallout associated with sex outside of marriage and teach her God's design for sex, then I have been responsible with the assigned task. I will not be an accomplice to a decision that falls outside of God's will." from "5 Conversations You Must Have With Your Daughter" by Vicki Courtney

I was one of those girls. Pregnant at 17, out of wedlock. And while I would have loved to have been offered a Plan B by my mother, I am so very thankful she did not. I was instead given a chance to turn from my sin and walk in a secondary virginity that I received from God through repentance, and I whole-heartedly support the idea of allowing ourselves and our daughters to reap the consequences of sin (and deal compassionately with them) rather than encouraging it by giving our daughters or granddaughters talks on "safe sex." Sister, I would encourage you to do exactly what Vicki advises: "go before the Lord and seek His guidance in the matter" so that you, too, will be prepared if you are given the opportunity to minister to your own daughter or to a friend who is dealing with this issue.

Below, I wanted to include some statistics regarding sex outside of marriage (sources are listed in the book...too many to include here):

"Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs):

• More than 1 in 4 teen girls has an STD.
• Forty percent (or nearly half) of sexually active men and women acquire genital HPV infection at some point in their lives. By age 50, at least 80 percent of women will have acquired genital HPV infection.
• Most HPV infections have no signs or symptoms; therefore, most infected persons are unaware they are infected, yet they can transmit the virus to a sex partner.
• Chlamydia remains the most commonly reported infectious disease in the United States. One in 20 women between the ages of 14-19 (4.6 percent) were infected, the highest proportion of any age group.
• In the majority of infected women, chlamydia produces no pain, fever, or discharge. Because it often goes undetected, many women will discover they have it years later--when they can't conceive.

Teen Pregnancy:

• More than 40 percent of young women in the United States become pregnant one or more times before they reach 20 years of age.
• Between 22 and 30 percent of teen mothers under age 18 have a second baby within two years after the birth of their first baby.
• Only 40 percent of teenagers who have children before age 18 go on to graduate from high school.
• More than 75 percent of all unmarried teen mothers go on welfare within five years of the birth of their first child.
• The Alan Guttmacher Institute has determined that by age 45, 1 out of every 2.5 women in the U.S. has had at least one abortion.
• Abortion is not a quick fix. A Guttmacher study found that with the passing of time, negative emotions such as sadness and regret increased and decision satisfaction decreased. That is, more women reported sadness and regret two years following an abortion than one month after the event.

Future health of marriage:

• Seventy-two percent of all married 'traditionalists' (those who 'strongly believe out-of-wedlock sex is wrong') reported a higher sexual satisfaction.
• Couples who don't sleep together before marriage and who are faithful during marriage are more satisfied with their current sex life and also with their marriages compared to those who were involved sexually before marriage.
• Several researchers with the Heritage Foundation analyzed data from the 1995 National Survey of Family Growth and found that for women age 30 or older, those who were monogamous (only one sexual partner in a lifetime) were by far most likely to be still in a stable relationship (80 percent). Sleeping with just one extra partner dropped that probability to 54 percent. Two extra partners brought it down to 44 percent.

Emotional consequences:

• The National Longitudinal Survey of Adolescent Health found that 25.3 percent of sexually active girls aged 14-17 reported that they felt depressed 'a lot of the time' or 'most all of the time,' as compared with 7.7 percent who were not sexually active.
• Another study of 6,500 adolescents found that sexually active teenage girls were more than three times as likely to be depressed and nearly three times as likely to have had a suicide attempt than girls who were not sexually active.
• In a survey by Seventeen magazine, 91 percent of teens agreed that 'a girl can get a bad reputation if she has sex.' In the same survey 92 percent of teens agreed that 'it is generally considered a good thing for a girl to be a virgin.'
• Oxytocin, a hormone that is sent from the brain to the uterus and breasts to induce labor, as well as to let down milk after a baby is born, is also released during sexual activity. This hormone is believed to initiate feelings of bonding and trust, whether between mother and child or husband and wife."

by Wendie Beddingfield

picture by Lavinia Marin